I’ve always been one of those guys who learns by doing, not by listening to lectures in a classroom. I learned journalism on the fly, after getting lucky and landing a job in a sports department at 17. Later, as a publisher who needed to understand sales, printing, distribution, HR, payroll, etc., I figured it out as I went along.
While I did get certification in the areas I began coaching for (pornography addiction, betrayal trauma, couples’ disclosures) it wasn’t till I started getting in the reps with clients that I found my footing. I openly apologize to any of those clients I had in my first six months. I don’t know how much I helped, but you did shape me into the (hopefully) decent coach I am today.
There have been many things I’ve learned along the way, including some I didn’t see coming. These aren’t in any particular order, but I wanted to share a few things I found surprising along the way:
It’s Not About the Porn, It’s About the Lying
Around a third of my clients have consistently been the female partners of male addicts trying to salvage their relationship, but not sure how to do that since a cloud of distrust hangs over their lives. Consistently — 100% of the time — these wives and girlfriends say that worse than viewing pornography, it’s the fact their partner lied. While the ability to look someone in the eyes, tell them an untruth, and have them believe you is a skill, it’s a skill that bring your relationship to a screeching halt. “We could have worked on the porn, but I don’t know how to work on trusting him again,” is an unfortunate refrain I hear almost daily.
Women Prefer Porn Without Men
This shocked me, but again and again, it’s proven true. I’ve been lucky enough to see my female pornography clientele double year-to-year since I began coaching. From that very first client through the ones I work with today, I guess around 75% use pornography featuring exclusively females. Part of me finds this interesting because there is no single reason, no trauma thread that bonds these women. I think some were first exposed to dad’s Playboys, while others feel it puts them in a “safer” place, while still others don’t understand how they developed this preference. The kicker? There’s not a lesbian in the bunch.
If You’re Working On The Marriage/Relationship, Odds are in Your Favor
I’ve been evolving as a coach over the years to the point that many of my clients are no longer seeing me, or never start seeing me, because of porn or betrayal issues. They simply like my style on TikTok and want somebody in their corner. My prices, and availability, make me an attractive alternative to some of the other professionals out there. One of the techniques I employ as a therapeutic disclosure specialist is a process of 6-10 structured sessions to get communication on the right track and inject truth back into the relationship. In the three years I’ve been using this process, I’ve seen about 30 couples. While I haven’t followed up with every couple, I know of only two who ended up calling it quits. When I see both members of a couple appear for the first session, the odds are already good.
Women Are Far Too Dependent on Men
I think this is the way that many of our grandmothers and mothers were raised, and certainly was a message regularly supplied by the first 50 years of television. Dad is her first love, the only man she ever had intercourse with and should stay home to tend to the home and raise the kids is a trope you couldn’t miss in society if you have any memory of pre-1995. Unfortunately, that message has also trickled down to many millennials and Gen Z’ers. Younger women simply don’t seem to recognize that they can be loved by more than one person in their lives — especially if they feel their current (unsuitable) partner is the first person to truly love them. The women over 35 I coach recognize that you have second, third and fourth choices at love, but it’s a scary prospect for younger, first-timers and the knowledge they can trade-up is often not there.
Conversely, because so many women put their eggs in the “I’d rather be loved by the wrong guy than not loved by anybody” there is a tendency to follow those old ways of doing things which means they put themselves in dire financial situation. This is a message to all women: You must be financially independent, or at least have enough saved that you could leave in an emergency, or support yourself for a short amount of time in an emergency. The No. 1 reason most women give for not leaving a bad situation is they simply don’t have the funds to leave. This should never be the case as we head toward the middle years of the 21st Century.
Helping One Person Deeply is More Satisfying Than Being Lauded by Hundreds of Strangers
I have no problem public speaking. I figured out early on to simply find three people in the audience: right, center and left — who seem to be enjoying the speech and just focus on them. You can be in a room with six people or 6,000 people with this technique and block the rest out. In my previous life as an addict and overachiever, I loved basking in the adulation of a crowd after I made a speech for whatever endeavor I was promoting. I’ve talked to crowds of over 500 more than a dozen times in my life and crowds of over 2,000 several more. I drank it in.
If you would have told that version of Josh 15 years ago what I’d be doing today — working from my home office helping people with some of their most intimate (not just sexually) and personal issues, he would have laughed at you. How is that going to provide the fuel I need to soldier forward? It’s funny how life brings you down a certain path. I thought with my speaking prowess, I’d be hitting the college speaker circuit with my story and information, but then the pandemic happened and goals were realigned. It turns out, watching someone grow emotionally and intellectually in a way that makes their life more balanced, peaceful and manageable is a skill I’m pretty damn good at… who knew?
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