Five Questions For A Coach: Part Two, Betrayal Trauma

One of the phenomena I didn’t expect as I entered this healthcare world as a pornography addiction coach was just how many others are affected by this disease, especially the partners. After my first book came out, I knew there’d be inquiries, but I didn’t expect as many from female partners of pornography addicts. They all said pretty much the same thing: “You fixed yourself, how do I fix my man?” Hello, betrayal trauma.

I was introduced to the term ‘betrayal trauma’ and began to have dialogue with many women who were dealing with it. While I recognize my wife had to deal with complex feelings, some of these women were in a near-catatonic state, basically unable to function. They fully believed their husbands had cheated, which took a mindset shift from me to agree.

I approached esteemed therapist and popular podcast host Tony Overbay about co-authoring a book about betrayal trauma. The female victim audience wanted relief. The male addict audience was fighting them. Maybe we could make a bigger impact coming at this problem from another direction. About a year later, our book, “He’s a Porn Addict, Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions” was released. To date, it has sold more than all of the other books I’ve authored, combined.

Not long after this, as I was ramping up a public speaking career, the pandemic hit. Aside from the occasional Zoom presentation, I wasn’t getting paid. A $100 Amazon gift card for talking to a college crowd wasn’t feeding the family. Tony suggested I look into coaching pornography addicts. Once I had that certification and began coaching, it was clear I’d need to be trained on the partner side as well if I was going to be able to help the relationship. So, while everyone else was baking bread and waiting for a vaccine, I became a betrayal trauma coach. Much like I mentioned in Part One, five years later, I get a lot of repeat questions. Here are five of the most common, and their answers:

What is Betrayal Trauma?

Books have been written on this – heck, I wrote one, so this is going to be an incomplete answer. In a nutshell, it’s the pain you feel when somebody close to you is discovered to have lied, and the effect it has on you. Usually, this is someone whom you never thought would lie and whom has engaged in a behavior you never thought possible. It’s a complete shift of what you knew as real and it can be jarring. In my years as a coach, I’ve discovered that it usually also brings back old trauma that hasn’t been resolved. This is likely not your first betrayal.

Why Did He Do This To Me?

I see three stages of betrayal trauma, typically and this is the first. The partner wants to figure out what they did to drive their loved one to pornography addiction. The reality, even if he disagrees, is nothing. This has nothing to do with the way you look, the way you perform in the bedroom, or how wonderful/terrible you are as an everyday partner. He didn’t do this to you. He did it to himself and the seeds were sown long before he met you.

Will I Be Able To Trust Him Again?

Maybe, maybe not. That’s going to be a decision that you have to make. Yes, it’s an analytical, results-based decision. You may not be able to make it now, but there will come a day where you have to decide if you extend the olive branch of faith. It’s a risk, and it may not be a risk you’re willing to commit to at this point. It may be a risk you’re never able to commit to again.

How Do I Get Him Help?

I find there are three types of addicts: one-third knows they’re addicted and is just waiting for somebody to say it so they can get help; one-third knows there’s a problem, but they need more data before they are convinced; and one third refuses to believe they have a problem. Obviously, you hope he’s in one of those first two groups. If he’s in the last group, there may need to be ultimatums made. If he’s in the first two groups, you need to start with a foundation of safety, non-judgment and an eagerness to help find resources for the addict.

You may be appalled by what he looked at, but if he feels that you are not a safe person to talk with who will not pass judgment, you’ll set yourself up for a potential positive outcome. And then it’s a matter of learning about the modalities of help and getting him to try different things. Maybe he’s a therapist or coach guy. Maybe he’s a 12-Step guy. He should try everything and find out what path is best for him.

How Do I Get Myself Help?

I’ll sometimes get a client who has the attitude of “Why should I get help? He’s the one who messed up!” This is true. However, I share an analogy: Imagine if you’re riding down the road in a car your partner is driving. It turns out he’s drunk. Unable to make a turn, the car goes flying off the road and flips a couple of times. He walks away from the crash with a couple of scrapes. However, your legs get mangled.

Despite the fact that he’s the one who caused the crash, you’re still going to need operations and physical therapy to fix those legs. You are the victim, but it’s still your responsibility to heal. You need to talk to somebody to figure out where you’re really at, be it a coach like me, a therapist, a self-help group or otherwise. There’s a lot of good written and digital material out there, but I feel you must start with talking.

If I can help you with your betrayal trauma issues, please consider scheduling a session with me by clicking HERE.