In four months, I’ll celebrate my fifth anniversary as a pornography addiction coach. Certification for betrayal trauma and learning the ropes as a therapeutic disclosure specialist followed shortly thereafter. Much like after writing my first book, it became clear if I was going to work in this area, I’d need to become an expert in serving the addict, the partner and the couple as a whole.
Along with simply sitting and working with a few hundred clients to this point, I regularly host live Q&A sessions on TikTok. They are a means to attract new clients, but they also help me stay on top of what’s happening in the pornography industry. Ironically, despite spending 24 years as a porn addict, I know far more today about the industry and how people consume adult material than I ever did when I used.
I figured that it was time to answer the questions I get most, no matter how they arrive. And, if you need any one-on-one coaching, please check out my scheduling link HERE to get all of the information.
How Do I Start Quitting?
That’s just a question of process and it’s different for everyone. More importantly is the question “Why Must I Quit?” What do you stand to lose if you don’t take care of this pornography addiction? Maybe it’s a relationship with a partner. Maybe you’re afraid your kids will find out, or you’ll lose your job. It’s completely understandable to worry about your ability to find a partner in your future, or fear for what health changes may happen. You need to determine your MUST. It’s a little different for everyone, but that motivation is the foundation upon which all success will be built.
What’s the Fastest Way to Quit? How Long Will it Take?
We’re talking just as much about mental health as physical health here. As long as you abstain from looking and self-pleasure, you’re taking care of the physical side of it. Of course, that’s either said than done, but with the techniques I use, I’d estimate that an average client reduces use by an average of 75% in the first month. On the mental side, that’s trickier. Some people are open books and dive in to figure out the big question: “Why did I become an addict and why did I continue as an addict?” Some people are guarded and don’t want to go down that road because it’s often painful and frustrating. But it’s what is needed to heal. It probably took you a long time to become a victim of pornography addiction. If speed in healing is your first concern, you’re probably not going to heal.
Can Women be Pornography Addicts?
Yes, 100%. One phenomenon I’ve recognized as a coach is year-to-year, my female clientele doubles in size. It’s still only 20-30% of my overall clientele, but the reality is, except for dealing with specific gender issues (i.e. erectile dysfunction) there is not much difference in coaching men or women. A pornography addict is a pornography addict.
Why do I Still Feel Addicted if I’ve Been Clean X Amount of Days?
Because you likely still are an addict. Fasting and recovery are different things. If somebody goes on a diet for 30 days to lose a few pounds, and one of the ways they do it is to skip eating Oreo cookies that month, it doesn’t mean they don’t want Oreos at the end of the 30 days. Aside from the fact that the physical process of healing can be slow, if you don’t do the work to find out why you were an addict in the first place, you’re ignoring the entire mental health side of things. Based on my experience as an addict and what I’ve witnessed with clients, the mental can be even more important than the physical, but both are necessary.
What to do when I relapse?
First, is it a relapse or are you a sporadic user? I feel like you have to go 2-3 weeks without using before you have an honest-to-goodness relapse. If you stop using three days and you use on the fourth day, then go two days off, one day on, etc… you’re not relapsing. You’re just not using everyday. The most important thing is to understand why and how you relapsed. Did you know the morning of the relapse it was going to happen? Was your inner voice trying to tell you something? Was there a triggering event? When did you first recognize the urge? Most people have a window between the moment they starting considering using and fully relapsing. Once you’re in full relapse, it’s difficult to stop. But, there is a long series of justifications, minimizations and rationalizations that take place before you get there. If you can recognize these red flags and create a strategy is they happen again, you’ll be less likely to relapse.
These are the most common questions, and answers, I get regarding pornography addiction in this job. Please take them as general suggestions, not hard-and-fast solutions. We’re all different and results may vary. The important thing, if you’re struggling, is to get help. Whether it’s with a coach like me, another professional, 12-Step Groups, other groups like SMART Recovery or Celebrate Recovery, books, podcasts, videos, etc… the most important part is to get help. Again if I can help you in any way, please contact me HERE.
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This is great information, Joshua. In my recovery I found that it was essential that a face justification, rationalization, minimizing and compartmentalizing head on if I was ever going to truly find freedom and a new life.
Glad you’re still sounding the alarm about porn. I tell those who come to Celebrate Recovery meetings who suffer from its allure that they’re “in the fight of their lives” to overcome their addiction. Soft-pedaling the difficulty they’ll face never reaps good results. Like you, I tell it like it is.