In my coaching, one of the things that I preach is that eventually, you have to face your triggers and you must overcome them. Whether you’re an addict, dealing with trauma, or a wavering relationship, you’ll eventually run into those things that caused the chaos in the first place.
This past week, I took on two of those triggers that, despite more than 10-and-a-half years passing, met me unexpectedly. I’m proud to say I took them on like a champ.
A Civic Duty in a Familiar Place
While my son was home from college on a brief break, we went down to City Hall to cast our votes in the upcoming election. I come from a swing district, so I find the divisive energy of Election Day nauseating. I hope my candidates win, but understand win or lose, the sun will still rise tomorrow. This was my son’s first presidential election, so it was a big deal. Apparently a big deal to many because absentee voting wasn’t held in the Town Clerk’s office. It was held in City Council chambers.
I was elected to my City Council in 2011. It was just the next step in my ego-driven, overachieving path toward community “hero” that was anything but altruistic. Most of the time I was in meetings, it looked like I was taking diligent notes on my MacBook, when I was really just handling the work of the publishing company I started. The only time I wasn’t stuck to the laptop was when the mayor was absent and I was almost always voted to serve as mayor for the meeting. Yup, I played mayor. Pathetically, as my two-year term came to an end, I began attending meetings drunk, just hoping the buzz would continue until the end. In 2013, shortly before finally addressing my porn and alcohol addictions, I decided not to seek a second term. I don’t even remember the BS excuses I gave for not running. The truth was I didn’t have enough power and it wasn’t fun. I won a popularity contest and didn’t need to play that game again.
Interesting enough, with the voting booth set-up for casting my vote the other day, there was a cubicle directly in front of my old seat on the end of the dais. I’d be lying if I didn’t say triggers hit my brain. I intentionally headed for that spot and prior to making my choices, I turned around and looked at it for a solid 20 seconds. I felt no connection. No triggers. After voting, I looked at it again. It was like looking at my old high school or the Chamber of Commerce building where I attended dozens of meetings. It’s a reminder of an old life, but it’s not a life I miss and not a life I want to ever revisit. More than anything, I felt empathy for the guy I was back then.
Breathing in the Fresh Air
A couple of days before voting, I was scrolling through the ticket purchasing apps taking a look what was coming up in Boston the next week or two. The French duo Air was playing at the theater next to Fenway Park. They play a melodic, keyboard-driven style of chill electronic music I have always enjoyed. Their biggest hits were in the late 90s and early 2000s and I almost guarantee you’ve heard their music as part of the score of a movie or TV show you’ve seen.
At one point around 2012, as my publishing company was showing cracks in its business model, our magazine designer left. I took over those duties as a cost-cutting measure, but I think it was just a function of my ever-growing micro-managing at the time. On those long nights I would create the look of the pages, I listened to Air again and again and again. I was also pretty hammered doing the layout, using the excuse it would spur inner creativity that the sober version of me couldn’t conjure.
It wasn’t until their opening song the other night I made the connection back to those days. Yes, I recognized this could cause triggers. I’m proud of the company I built, but I’m ashamed how it ended and I wouldn’t want to go back there. Flashbacks to sitting at the kitchen table, bleary-eyed with a tumbler of Red Bull and tequila next to me consumed my mind for a few minutes. Then I told myself, “That life is over, and this music, addict or recovered, is still pretty cool, and I’m lucky I’m here.”
Always on Alert for Triggers
I understand why many people don’t like to use the term “recovered” because it says the battle with their addictive substance or behavior is over. It’s safer to always be on guard. They will forever be “recovering” and if that mindset works for them, I say go for it. But I don’t want to live that way. I want to know that when the challenges arrive, I’m going to take them on and make the right choice. I’m going to win. There is no alternative. I don’t mind calling myself recovered and I proved it once again this last week. Triggers be damned.
I’m now making my living as a full-time addictions and trauma coach, also working with couples on rebuilding trust and communication. If you’d like to learn more, click HERE
