I thought that the greatest thing that I’ve experienced since entering the coaching/advising realm was when I’d talk to a pornography addict for the first time and as he told his story, and recognized that I was not going to judge nor shame, you could see an invisible weight lifting off his shoulders. And then I started working with women dealing with betrayal trauma and I’ve found a new amazing moment. Betrayal Trauma Coaching is such a powerful tool.
Through the month of December, I spent a lot of time focusing on getting my certification as a betrayal trauma coach and began teaching online classes with the Post Betrayal Trauma Institute. If you’re dealing at all with feelings of betrayal at the hands of another and you’re having trouble getting things together, they have an amazing program available. I hope you’ll check it out.
I bring a unique mix of knowledge and experience to the table. As a former alcoholic and pornography addict, I’ve been in the shoes of the betrayer. While my wife and I had a more mild experience with betrayal than many others, it was there. And it was not easy. I also have read plenty of research and talked with so many women suffering from betrayal trauma. I speak the language of the addict, and that’s not something many therapists can claim.
Meeting the Betrayed
I’ve been casually working with male pornography addicts to address their issues for over a year. I don’t advertise the service too loudly, but plenty of men have found their way to the section of my website where I offer those services. Some of the men are ready to embrace change while others are “only there because my wife/girlfriend is making me.” After a few conversations, many men who are difficult understand what’s happening with them. I have always seen my job as temporary. I am here to help make them understand they have an issue and create a strategy beyond me for taking care of the problem.
There has been more than one time when a partner has wanted to sit in on the session and I allow it if it is OK with the addict. While I’ve read plenty of accounts from women who have had to deal with betrayal trauma, this was my first opportunity to meet them regularly and in many cases, they were hurting as much, if not more, than the addict. I felt drawn to helping these partners because so many are truly lost in a mind of sadness, hurt and abandonment. The person they met turned out to not be the person they thought. Betrayal Trauma Coaching is the prescription for the partner.
The A-Ha Moment
Maybe it’s because I was an addict or because in many ways, I was betrayed by my caregivers as a child, making me relatable. Maybe I can explain their partner’s thoughts better than a traditional therapist or perhaps it’s something else. Whatever it is, I find that the newest, greatest thing I get to witness regularly is that moment when everything clicks:
- Their partner had the addiction before they ever met them.
- Addiction doesn’t make their partner a bad person, it makes them a sick person.
- Their partner may be a bad person and it has nothing to do with the addiction.
- They did not cause nor contribute to their partner’s addiction.
- Only their partner can fix the addiction.
- Only they can do the work to get through the betrayal trauma.
- Their relationship may survive, or may end, but self-care needs to begin immediately.
That’s a lot to click all at once, but I’m seeing it happening regularly and it’s awesome. It is similar to the weight the comes off the addict’s shoulders in our first conversation. I don’t know enough about how the brain works to say why it clicks, but once it does, it’s a huge corner turned.
Whether you’re an addict or the betrayed partner, I’d love to help if you need it. Betrayal Trauma Coaching works. My rates are far below that of a traditional therapist and you can do this from the comfort, and privacy, of your own home. Click HERE for more information.
I’ve witnessed the palpable relief on the faces of many men who’ve come to Celebrate Recovery and found there’s a specific small group for those with “sexual integrity” issues where they can openly talk about their porn addiction without fear of their confessions “going viral.” It’s heartwarming to see.
In the class I taught online this evening, there was a mini-moment like that where I likened an addict to someone who is a tomato that is purchased at the farmer’s market. It looks good on the outside, but you weren’t there when the seed was planted, so if you get a rotten tomato that looks good on the outside, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t my best analogy, but it made the idea that she had nothing to do with creating his addiction click. If it ever gets old seeing the “a-ha!” moment, I”ll be surprised.